Nimmy’s Experiment with Blogging

An attempt to learn something new..and share something different

Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

My Favorite Posts ..

Posted by Nimmy on March 21, 2009

Hi all,I just wanted to list out my favorite posts, just in case anybody would find them interesting and useful.Do go through them when you get time and keep sharing your thoughts .

Eazy Cooking!!

  1. Its a Pizza-a stove-top Pizza!!
  2. Tapiki ‘n’ Fish curry-the official food of kerala???
  3. Roll it all the way into your mouth!!
  4. Moringa/Drumstick Fry
  5. Fish Thoran
  6. Quick Vegetable Biryani
  7. “Pizza Dosa” or “Dosa Pizza”??
  8. Date ‘n’ Choco Fudge in 10 minutes
  9. Sprouted Green Gram/Cherupayar Thoran

Womanly-thoughts

  1. “Why do muslim women have to beg for their rights?”
  2. Do feminists ruin families?
  3. Why/why not should women dress modestly/provocatively?
  4. How easy is it to undergo a divorce?
  5. Feminism Tag..but Am I a feminist?
  6. How do we program the baby machine to output baby boys alone?
  7. How important is it for you,to remain faithful in your marriage?
  8. Winning the war-through women..
  9. How do I make his beard catch fire?
  10. Why are women enemies to each other?

Islamic Thoughts

  1. “No time to complain, time to be wise”
  2. “Slay all infidels”..Wow,is Quran so violent???
  3. “How do you, as Muslim, see me and others like me in the light of the teachings of the Qur’an?”
  4. War ethics ‘n’ rules in Islam..
  5. Am I,as a muslim,responsible for the acts of others muslims who interpret Quran wrongly & move around with bombs?
  6. The drama of divorce over phone,email and SMS..
  7. One Quran,but infinite interpretations..WHY?
  8. Living Ramdan,the Islamic way..
  9. “Muhammad was a pedophile..”
  10. Quran asks men to beat their wife!!
  11. Is this what Islamic polygamy is all about?
  12. Muslims hate Jews??????????
  13. Remembering Prophet Muhammad (and his multiple wives) on his birthday
  14. Stoning to death-How and Why is it a part of Islam?
  15. Fatwa Drama-Behind the curtain..
  16. Worship in space!

World Around

  1. Pragmatics between moral police and one’s freedom of expression
  2. Why does Government push Hajj subsidy down the throats of Indian muslims?
  3. Migrant issues – Qatar and Maharashtra,a comparison.
  4. History of Israel-Palestein conflict -as and how lightly my small brain process it.
  5. What went wrong with Pakistan as a nation?
  6. Why isn’t this ‘terrorism’, but just ‘communal-issues’?
  7. The unholy secrets and not-so-divine divinity of the church..
  8. Who decides the fine line between absolute and relative freedom of expression?
  9. What have you done so far,as to wipe out the menace of terrorism?

Random Rants

  1. Disclaimer..
  2. My lovely garden ;-)
  3. Holding hands..for a lifetime.
  4. How do I control my anger before it controls me..
  5. Smile Pinki.. bringing smile to thousands of kids with cleft lips..
  6. Tagged – Soft,Melodious and Soulful songs..
  7. Tag-on various bits of my life…

Science

  1. The Weight Of The Human Soul
  2. Will your body decay if you RIP while in outer space?
  3. How much water would it take to extinguish the sun?
  4. “Diamond is forever”…Oh no…Its NOT…
  5. Biting nails;Biting fungus and dirt!
  6. Rate your fear of intimacy
  7. How do blind people dream?

Good day to all..

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Why are women enemies to each other?

Posted by Nimmy on February 2, 2009

Australia’s prime minister joined Muslim leaders on Thursday in condemning a cleric’s comments that husbands are entitled to smack disobedient wives and force them to have sex. “Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?” Hamza said, adding that wives must immediately respond to their husbands’ sexual demands. [more]

 

Islamonline.net is a pretty authentic source from where one can learn about Islam.They have a decent take on various matters-political or religious-around the world.I am shocked to read a statement from a FEMALE Islamic scholar..In regard to a question on marital rape,she says :

 

Of course if the husband insists on sleeping with his wife by force, it would not be considered rape since this is a right granted to him, but it is also not in accordance with Islamic teachings . Such an act contradicts the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and the ethics of intercourse. Gentleness and kindness are among the manners of intimate relations in Islam…

 

The complete article can be read here,  so that one may verify if I have taken anything out of context..Yes,she says that ‘it is not right’..I am wondering what on earth stopped her from saying that IT IS WRONG..

 

I have seen people(this includes both men and WOMEN) boasting that men have uncontrollable sexual desires and hence women must be ready-money setup 24/7.Many women have argued with me that men have ultra sexual desires that one single woman alone cannot satisfy them..What the heck..Forget them,they are brainwashed and seasoned ,but sadly to a higher degree that nothing on earth can change their attitude,but is the same expected from a learned person who is addressed as a scholar..

 

Coming back to the point,there are many rulings floating around stating that it is the RIGHT of husband to have intimacy with his wife,no matter even if she disagree.Marital rape is an alien concept to me,but reading the above statement by Zeinab Mostafa made me look into it.I was wondering how can a husband rape his own wife!Marital rape is not to be confused with boring physical intimacy.

Question: What is marital rape?

Answer: Marital rape is any unwanted sexual acts by a spouse or ex-spouse, committed without consent and/or against a person’s will, obtained by force, or threat of force, intimidation, or when a person is unable to consent.

These sexual acts include intercourse, anal or oral sex, forced sexual behavior with other individuals, and other sexual activities that are considered by the victim as degrading, humiliating, painful, and unwanted.

It is also referred to as spousal rape and wife rape.

Forget the definitions,I am just feeling bad about this lady ,that ,who as a scholar should have bothered to stand by fair and just side.IHM has a great post here-some gems from Manusmrthy..Bible too has some gems..and again,Hadiths,not Quran,too have many great gems like one telling that angels will curse you if your husband goes angry to bed and one which says that you have to provide for husband,even if you are on camel top..   How disgusting and how sad that one is afraid to talk about justice and fairness..Now I understand why IHM is angry over Nirmala Venktesh…Yes,her’s and my posts are about two different contexts,but the bottomline is “Women are women’s enemies..”

 p.s:

 

Marital Rape: A Non- Issue In India

 

India: Violence Against Women on the Rise

 

 

Posted in Islamic Thoughts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

How to be a better wife- Do’s and Don’t’s

Posted by Nimmy on January 10, 2009

Do’s Dont’s
Accept him at face value. Don’t try to change him.
Admire the manly things about him. Don’t show indifference, contempt, or ridicule towards his masculine abilities, achievements or ideas.
Recognize his superior strength and ability. Don’t try to excel him in anything which requires masculine ability.
Be a Domestic Goddess. Don’t let the outside world crowd you for time to do your homemaking tasks well.
Work for inner happiness and seek to understand its rules. Don’t have a lot of preconceived ideas of what you want out of life.
Revere your husband and honor his right to rule you and your children. Don’t stand in the way of his decisions, or his law.


To what extent do you agree with this?

Source : http://www.snopes.com/language/document/goodwife.asp

Posted in Random Rants | Tagged: , , , | 24 Comments »

How easy is it to undergo a divorce?

Posted by Nimmy on January 5, 2009

A few days ago,my dearo Cris had written a great post on “About Divorces”.I felt touched by her words,but I am not sure if I agree to all what she said..

 

When a marriage goes to a level where you find yourself unhappy all day and night long, when you realize beyond doubt you can never work it out –what was the point in clinging on?

 mmm,well,I  don’t know..But is it that easy to end it all??Maybe we keep trying to set things right for reasons and for people around..

 

Why was it so important that you had to stick with the person till end of life no matter what?

 Maybe you love him/her a lot deep inside.. Or maybe one is insecure of the future..

 

Wasn’t marriage all about making your life happier by spending it with someone you love and care about?

 Is it really so in reality?Agreed that we expect to live with someone whom we love and care.But what about the associated strings attached-socially and emotionally?What if there isn’t much love,but just that ‘it keeps going’ kinda stuff?i.e,there isn’t neither much love nor any hate..In such situations,aren’t we not to keep working on making betterment in the relationship?

 

When that love and care is not there, why would you choose to ignore it and go on with your lives unhappily? 

 As I said,in most cases,its not the absence of love and care,but the incompleteness that causes distress in day to day life..Afterall,nobody is perfect.So  automatically,one gets accustomed to it and move on with life..in the same rail.

 

Cause divorce was still “evil”, unheard of and a shame to kith and kin. People choose to make their own lives unhappy to have the world around them believe they are happy. An idea that always goes above my head. 

 Yeah,sad fact..

 

She sums up that if there is no love in marriage,there is no point in hanging on,even if it is justified as ‘for kids sake’ and that bad marriages can have bad effects on kids.And she ends it up as

 

If you wanted to avoid divorce, take a lot of care on whom you marry – that’s where your decision really matters. But then humans make mistakes and a mistake may be hard to avoid, but not so hard to correct.

  

Cris strongly feels that it is ‘love’ that matters the most in a marriage.Personally,I think love don’t even need comprise 50% of marriage..I have read somewhere that a successful marriage needs

 

  • Compatibility and Compassion
  • Communication
  • Expectations built together
  • Intimacy and Sexuality
  • Recognizing each others Personalities and Family relationships
  • Conflict Resolution abilities
  • Long-term Goals
  • Family Planning and Rearing of children

Its not just love ,but much more and marriage won’t run smoothly just like that..You keep trying more and more hard day by day..You keep trying refining yourself and try to fit into the mould everyday..Trust me,you can’t change a person.So better you change yourself,if you need peace and serenity .

 

It is easy to say “If you don’t like it and if you can’t make it,get out of the relationship’.. It seems a joke, considering that the person saying this is well aware of situations in India, and how ‘well’ a divorcee is looked ‘up’ on at.The bloody sexist society has no issues with the man involved.Afterall,it is the woman/wife who should have adjusted and sewed up the conflicts and it is her inability to maintain a family that the divorce happened.They say ‘What if the fiancee is a drunkard or chain smoker,if thw wife tries well,and if she is smart ,he will quit it all..”..Dogs,how is it that the responsibility of changing or reforming a waste man falls on the shoulders of a stranger woman? Why not the mother and father act smart and get rid of the bad charater rather than expecting a strange woman/wife to do it and later blame it on her ‘You are not being a real good wife’..duh..

 

The girl’s family takes a deep breath when she is married off.In real,they don’t expect her to come back anyday.Sugarcoated words don’t work in long term.Not to imagine of a situation where a woman has to go back to her home which is a joint family.If she has kids,she is accused of having deprived her kids ‘father’s love’.The neighbors ,the in laws in the house,the relatives,everybody wants to know the story and then point fingers saying ’You did not try well to make it’..

 

I strongly believe that all the above could have been avoided if the lady was educated and could secure a job and live separately with her kids so that she won’t have to see others face every morning..Not to forget the initial economic difficulties..But then again,it could be dealt with properly if she still has the dowry her parents gave her.She could start a living of her own without begging to others.I wish all ladies had the choice to keep their dowry to themselves so that it may be of use to them later at some point of life. 

 

I got carried away from the topic..Sorry for that.My point is that divorce is not that easy as Cris says it.Even if there is lot of dissatisfaction,one would prefer to hang on,fearing the situation that would arise late-divorce.Also,I disagee with Cris on that kids benefit from getting out of bad marriage.Agreed if there is physical abuse involved.But otherwise,its better to hang on for kids sake as they are plunged into the web of insecurity, conflicts of loyalty towards both parents, psychological disorders and much more..If you don’t care about kids,don’t produce kids..They are here in this world ,because you choose to and hence it is your responsibility to give them a good environment for healthy development.

Its all a web..Its not easy to get out of it once you are into it.Success is in finding happiness in what you are and what you have.Yeah,maybe you will develop lower self-esteem for youself,but it maybe worth it.

 

 

p.s

 

I am a happily married lady .You may feel odd why am I saying so..Well,last day ,a near and dear one of mine said that ‘you can’t write about a topic unless you experience it’.(I was reading on marital rape and he/she asked me if I am undergoing thru such a situation..I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry)So now that I have written about divorce,it doesn’t mean that I have issues with my marriage and that I am going to divorce..Phew..Pity myself of explaining and justifying my thoughts in public.

 

Posted in World Around | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Proposed Kerala Muslim Marriage bill-A great step towards a noble cause

Posted by Nimmy on December 14, 2008

In a progressive and bold step towards the reform of Muslim Personal Law, the Kerala Law Reforms Commission has drafted a bill which will curb and check the practices of polygamy and divorce through Talaq among Muslims in the state.

 

 

Essentially neither is it a bill with radical stand nor is it revolutionary in terms of its features. In fact almost all of its features are there in the Shariah law. For instance it doesn’t ban polygamy nor does it ban the concept of talaq among Muslims. The only thing that it does that it tries to regulate the indiscreet marriages and divorces in the community.

 

 

One has to understand that the legal issues related to Muslim personal laws like that of divorce, marriage, inheritance are usually dealt with by the respective Shariah bodies. There is no mechanism in Shariah framework (as it is being practically implemented in India) where the people who violate the Shariah laws are held accountable to their misdeeds and punitive measures are applied to them.So if a person remarries or misuses the provision of talaq he can and in most of the cases, he does easily get away with this because there is no effective mechanism in the existing Shariah based Muslim Personal Law Board which could ensure that he is punished as per the existing punitive measures available in the Shariah.

 

 

The Indian Constitution doesn’t provide the organizations like Muslim Personal Law Board (who claim to have the exclusive rights of representation of personal law related issues of Indian Muslims) legal legitimacy. So this Bill seeks to address the implementation of the punitive aspect in the cases of all the discreet remarriage and divorces

 

 

The draft Bill titled “The Kerala Muslim Marriage and Dissolution by Talaq (Regulation) Bill” seeks to legislate that ‘monogamy shall be the rule’ and that ‘marrying again during the lifetime of husband or wife is an offence.’ However, the proposed Bill provides for remarriage by husband in exceptional cases “with the (wife’s) consent in writing before a notary public or a judicial officer expressing her consent to the second marriage and briefly giving her reasons for the consent.”

 

 

The Law Reforms Commission’s proposed law aims to “declare that, among the Muslims in Kerala, monogamy is the general rule and polygamy a just exception, permissible only in socially exceptional circumstances and that also subject to compassionate conditions, and to provide further that divorce by talaq can be effected only subject to special conditions.” It wants that “if any married Muslim, man or woman, marries again during the subsistence of the first marriage, the party who violates shall be guilty of bigamy under the Indian Penal Code and punishable as such.”

 

 

The proposed law makes it mandatory that all Muslim marriages and divorces be registered with the local registrar of marriages. The most important provision in the proposed law is the constitution of a ‘conciliation council,’ to be set up in each district, to regulate Muslim remarriages and divorces. The council, to be set up by the State government, will have a retired district judge or magistrate from the Muslim community as its head.

 

 

The man, permitted to take a second wife, “shall be liable to provide reasonable accommodation and privacy as well as just alimony or maintenance sufficient for the wife to sustain herself in reasonable comfort.”The proposed law also says that marriage of Muslim shall be contract. It also says that “the female spouse shall be entitled to divorce only through court or with the approval of the conciliation council on grounds of irretrievable breakdown irreparable by conciliation

 

 

It has sought a variety of responses from the Muslim community be it the common masses or its intellectual class. Moreover it has created a debate in the community to ponder over the effects of polygamy and talaq on the community.

 

 

The bill has sought positive responses almost from all the women’s activists across the religious, political and ideological divides. They have been pitching for the bill and mobilizing forces to pressurize the government to legislate the bill.

 

 

According to Febeena Seethi, the president of Kerala Women’s Front, polygamy is a double edged sword in the sense that it can be useful but it can also be a way to exploit women. Usually it becomes a way of exploitation of women where their lives are made miserable because of it. “There should be a women and a religious scholar in the conciliation councils.” She explained that the representation of women and a religious scholar is very important. The religious scholar will help in avoiding any kind of controversy and the woman member will .

 

 

A big section of all the people who support the Bill feel that it is high time that reform must happen in the Muslim Shariah law or Muslim Personal Law. So their support of the bill can be seen as motivated by an effort to bring about some kind of balance between the Shariah laws and changed circumstances of the modern times. Likewise Dr. Feebina also expressed an urgent need for the reforms in the Muslim Personal Laws.Finally she pointed out that it has been experienced that legislations alone have never been sufficient to control some practice or any person. For instance – dowry. Since the first legislation on Dowry many more laws have been made but only to increase the number of dowry cases.

 

 

The misuse of Talaq and polygamy can only be stopped with a change in the attitude of men and for this we need a war like campaigning against the both practices by every medium and every suitable platform. Dr. Seethi also pointed out that almost every woman’s organization has supported the bill.As far as most of the Muslim organizations are concerned they favor the bill in some cases with few suggestions and concerns to be addressed and included in the bill. So to a large extent there is no opposition to the Bill, in fact he went on to the extent of saying people have hardly opposed the bill on religious grounds at least. The reason is that today most of the progressive organizations want the reform in the Shariah Laws.

 

There hasn’t been any strong opposition to the bill as such except by few orthodox Muslim organizations like Samastha Kerala Jamiatul Ulama and Kerala Jamiatul Ulama. Both these organizations are completely rejecting the Bill. They have termed it as interference in the Shariah Laws by the secular Indian law.But their opposition also is complicated by the fact that their office bearers and some leaders have supported the Bill individually. In their religious lectures these people have accepted the problems created by the polygamy and expressed the need for the law to check those problems as pointed out by Mr. M Ebrahim of the Madhyamam daily.

 

 

As far as the coverage of this issue by the mainstream media in Kerala is concerned, Mr. Shareef refers to a very dangerous precedent; which is to sensationalize and controversialize every issue related to Muslims even if the issue is very simple.

 

So in spite of the fact there hasn’t been a strong opposition to the Bill by the Muslims in the state except few orthodox organization, instead of highlighting the moderate voices media is trying to pick up the few voices of opposition to the Bill and portray the whole community as backward and non-progressive.

 

 

People in the Sunni Cultural Centre pointed out that the main reason for the opposition by A.P. Aboobaker Musliar (yeah,the same old guy whom we discussed here) is the fact that for them the bill seems to be an attempt to encroach and “interfere” in the area which otherwise has been the exclusive domain of the Muslim religious bodies like All India Muslim Personal Law Board.They accept that there should be reforms in the Shariah laws but that reform should be initiated from within the Shariah law and by people in who are expert in the Shariah laws: because they want the reforms to be essentially within the framework of Islamic Shariah.

 

 

A very interesting answer to the argument of the Shariah bodies lies in the fact that in several Muslim countries triple talaq has been banned or restricted.

 

 

And what the Muslim women’s rights and progressive sections of the community like Dr. Feebina Seethi say is that the Muslim bodies on the Shariah laws have been hearing the calls for reforms since a very long time but they haven’t yet come up with any kinds of plan and strategy for the reforms in the Shariah laws which is actually one of the most important demands of the modern times.So when there is no hope of reform from within the clergy fraternity then the bill represents a saner and sensible attempt to bring about that reform.

 

Resources:

http://www.twocircles.net/

http://www.outlookindia.com/pti_news.asp?id=630467

 

 

 

P.S

 

I didn’t write this article..I just gathered information from different sources,from links provided.All I intend is to spread the word..Thanks for reading and Good day to o all..

 

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