How easy is it to undergo a divorce?

A few days ago,my dearo Cris had written a great post on “About Divorces”.I felt touched by her words,but I am not sure if I agree to all what she said..

 

When a marriage goes to a level where you find yourself unhappy all day and night long, when you realize beyond doubt you can never work it out –what was the point in clinging on?

 mmm,well,I  don’t know..But is it that easy to end it all??Maybe we keep trying to set things right for reasons and for people around..

 

Why was it so important that you had to stick with the person till end of life no matter what?

 Maybe you love him/her a lot deep inside.. Or maybe one is insecure of the future..

 

Wasn’t marriage all about making your life happier by spending it with someone you love and care about?

 Is it really so in reality?Agreed that we expect to live with someone whom we love and care.But what about the associated strings attached-socially and emotionally?What if there isn’t much love,but just that ‘it keeps going’ kinda stuff?i.e,there isn’t neither much love nor any hate..In such situations,aren’t we not to keep working on making betterment in the relationship?

 

When that love and care is not there, why would you choose to ignore it and go on with your lives unhappily? 

 As I said,in most cases,its not the absence of love and care,but the incompleteness that causes distress in day to day life..Afterall,nobody is perfect.So  automatically,one gets accustomed to it and move on with life..in the same rail.

 

Cause divorce was still “evil”, unheard of and a shame to kith and kin. People choose to make their own lives unhappy to have the world around them believe they are happy. An idea that always goes above my head. 

 Yeah,sad fact..

 

She sums up that if there is no love in marriage,there is no point in hanging on,even if it is justified as ‘for kids sake’ and that bad marriages can have bad effects on kids.And she ends it up as

 

If you wanted to avoid divorce, take a lot of care on whom you marry – that’s where your decision really matters. But then humans make mistakes and a mistake may be hard to avoid, but not so hard to correct.

  

Cris strongly feels that it is ‘love’ that matters the most in a marriage.Personally,I think love don’t even need comprise 50% of marriage..I have read somewhere that a successful marriage needs

 

  • Compatibility and Compassion
  • Communication
  • Expectations built together
  • Intimacy and Sexuality
  • Recognizing each others Personalities and Family relationships
  • Conflict Resolution abilities
  • Long-term Goals
  • Family Planning and Rearing of children

Its not just love ,but much more and marriage won’t run smoothly just like that..You keep trying more and more hard day by day..You keep trying refining yourself and try to fit into the mould everyday..Trust me,you can’t change a person.So better you change yourself,if you need peace and serenity .

 

It is easy to say “If you don’t like it and if you can’t make it,get out of the relationship’.. It seems a joke, considering that the person saying this is well aware of situations in India, and how ‘well’ a divorcee is looked ‘up’ on at.The bloody sexist society has no issues with the man involved.Afterall,it is the woman/wife who should have adjusted and sewed up the conflicts and it is her inability to maintain a family that the divorce happened.They say ‘What if the fiancee is a drunkard or chain smoker,if thw wife tries well,and if she is smart ,he will quit it all..”..Dogs,how is it that the responsibility of changing or reforming a waste man falls on the shoulders of a stranger woman? Why not the mother and father act smart and get rid of the bad charater rather than expecting a strange woman/wife to do it and later blame it on her ‘You are not being a real good wife’..duh..

 

The girl’s family takes a deep breath when she is married off.In real,they don’t expect her to come back anyday.Sugarcoated words don’t work in long term.Not to imagine of a situation where a woman has to go back to her home which is a joint family.If she has kids,she is accused of having deprived her kids ‘father’s love’.The neighbors ,the in laws in the house,the relatives,everybody wants to know the story and then point fingers saying ’You did not try well to make it’..

 

I strongly believe that all the above could have been avoided if the lady was educated and could secure a job and live separately with her kids so that she won’t have to see others face every morning..Not to forget the initial economic difficulties..But then again,it could be dealt with properly if she still has the dowry her parents gave her.She could start a living of her own without begging to others.I wish all ladies had the choice to keep their dowry to themselves so that it may be of use to them later at some point of life. 

 

I got carried away from the topic..Sorry for that.My point is that divorce is not that easy as Cris says it.Even if there is lot of dissatisfaction,one would prefer to hang on,fearing the situation that would arise late-divorce.Also,I disagee with Cris on that kids benefit from getting out of bad marriage.Agreed if there is physical abuse involved.But otherwise,its better to hang on for kids sake as they are plunged into the web of insecurity, conflicts of loyalty towards both parents, psychological disorders and much more..If you don’t care about kids,don’t produce kids..They are here in this world ,because you choose to and hence it is your responsibility to give them a good environment for healthy development.

Its all a web..Its not easy to get out of it once you are into it.Success is in finding happiness in what you are and what you have.Yeah,maybe you will develop lower self-esteem for youself,but it maybe worth it.

 

 

p.s

 

I am a happily married lady .You may feel odd why am I saying so..Well,last day ,a near and dear one of mine said that ‘you can’t write about a topic unless you experience it’.(I was reading on marital rape and he/she asked me if I am undergoing thru such a situation..I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry)So now that I have written about divorce,it doesn’t mean that I have issues with my marriage and that I am going to divorce..Phew..Pity myself of explaining and justifying my thoughts in public.

 

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  1. I divorced late Nimmy. It was painful being married and for a couple of years it was painful being out of the marriage …. but believe me, nothing is worth going on and on in a bad marriage. It destroys totally. I am linking you

    Ritu,I may not be right..Its just been a couple of years of marriage and maybe its how i perceive it ..Thanks for linking -Nimmy

  2. Nimmy, you have analysed this issue and tried to see both sides. And at the end you have agreed that it is very individual. I think it is. For one thing, each person’s state of mind is different. Mental cruelty can be borne better by a stoic person rather than a sensitive one. Some people who are free souls requiring a lot of independence will be miserable with a domineering and bully sort of person. On the other hand one person may want things done for him/her, he may be satisfied with less love etc. Everyone is different, and the dynamics of relationships are different. I have seen a person go bonkers with a man who was torturing her mentally but a strong person could have handled it and given it back.
    I think we need to choose wisely. Knowing oneself is the key.

    I agree with all what you said..But Nita,how many around us are willing to respect each other’s choice of living..We are clubbed in a web of moral police asking “If she can hang on,why can’t you’..-Nimmy

  3. Nimmy,

    I have been through a divorce too….and i agree with you it never is an easy thing….even if you are the one who has initiated the proceedings.

    But I agree with Cris…there is no point staying in a bad marriage for the sake of anyone else. Children can only suffer more by witnessing the unhappiness of parents and mind you they are very smart u cant fool them with a false smile.

    We have only one life we are sure of…next birth or Jannat both cant be depended upon…so whatever happiness we believe we deserve we must seek in this life itself.

    The important part is to believe we deserve happiness and to work towards it.

    Pinku,I very well understand the plight of divorcee ladies in our society and thatz why I said so..But i never said that it is ok or that one should hang on if there is any abuse-either physical or emotional..I was reffering to situation when there is neither much love,nor hate..My thoughts are all messed up..I don’t blame or point fingers at people who divorced..They had the courage to say NO..Whereas people like me who keep legs on two boats will fall in water :-/ ..I don’t know..I hope it doesn’t happen to me,im just being selfish..I cna’t undergo that trauma.. -Nimmy

  4. Blog hopped from IHM and loved your post… though its well balanced, I do agree that there’s no point staying on in a bad marriage…
    and I also agree its not only love that’s necessary for a happy and successful marriage. the points you have mentioned are very valid and strong.
    Can I link you up to a future post of mine? I was going to talk about a friend who has been in an abusive marriage for more than 2 yrs…?

    Thanks for visiting Pixie..Sad that you came here to read a messed post…lol..You can link..Its an honour 🙂 Do come again -Nimmy

  5. Brilliant post. Wanted to tell all this to Cris but did not want to cut short a young girl’s dream abt marriage.


    Welcome and Thanks for visiting..Cris is not wrong,but this is how I see it.Maybe i am wrong…i am not really very sure of what would I do..Maybe Cris is right and maybe things around and the perception is changing..It may me be that my thoughts are outdated 🙂 Do visit again -Nimmy

  6. Great Post Nimmy! I agree with most of what you said, however will have to disagree about staying together for the sake of children. Yes, every effort should be made, but I believe , that if things are unbearable, it is better to separate than stay together for the sake of children. Children are extremely perceptive. They pick up on emotions very easily and this might even scar them for life – or send a wrong message at the end of it all.. Loved your post!

    I agree with what you said about kids Smitha..I don’t know..Either way,it is a lose-lose situation ..Hard decision to make -Nimmy

    • Jayalakshmi
    • January 5th, 2009

    I agree with your views . Most of the couples get into marrige with idea of working on it.

    Marriage requires efforts to work on day to day basis.

    But I see that, nowadays, the girls are questioning a lot of things. The dos and donts are meant for both the parties. When one person goes on adjusting and does not get her fair share in return, the cracks appear.

    Even today, the girl is expected to adjust and adjust. Both the parents and in laws expect and want ‘the girl should adjust.”

    How fair is that? Those marriages do produce resentment in family all around. It is also true the children bear the brunt.

    Hi Jayalakshmi,nice name..Welcome and thanks for visitng…You are right ..Today girls have the guts to stand for themselves..Its bcoz of the educational and career upliftment and thereby the financial freedom and security they have.People say ‘Grils are less compromising”.But i would say that girls ahve started speaking up..Do visit again 🙂 -Nimmy

    • A regular reader gone anonymous for this comment – of course you know who I am!
    • January 5th, 2009

    Hey there Nimmy,

    Sometimes divorce is a better option when both partners are so unhappy that there does not seem any way out.

    I grew up as a child of a very unhappy marriage. My parents did not see eye to eye on anything – I often wondered why they stayed together if they hated one another so much.

    The answer was – they stayed together for the sake of the children, and because in Indian society, divorce is still not readily accepted. I think another reason is that mum was a housewife and didn’t have confidence in her abilities to lead a life on her own.

    Whatever it may have been, it was ugly growing up in the midst of a war zone.

    If my parents had gone away from one another – if my father had remarried someone who he liked better – likewise, if my mother had remarried someone who she could look up to (she despised my dad – theirs was an arranged marriage) – I wonder what our lives would have been like.

    Marriage can bring out the worst in two people if they are not happy with one another! Absolutely no good for the children.

    Thanks for sharing anonymous.I can relate to your life,not that my parents were so,but i have seen this.

    So true tht Marriage can bring out the worst in two people if they are not happy with one another!..Its a total transformation to an entirely different person ,may it be the wife or husband..they pick at each other even for the smallest thing and it ruins the whole happiness of the home.Looking back,the fight will defenitely seem not worth the time,but words and actions done cannot be taken back ..-Nimmy

  7. with all the things thats happening aorund me, I have a question : ” How easy is it to undergo a wedding” 😉

    Loved the post 😀 , but I dont think anyone has to change if there is mutual understanding and that willingness to give each other their space !


    lol..I loved that..lol…Your words are true,but expectations given and received is still in the 7th cloud and conflicts happens when expectations clashes with reality 🙂 Will do your mallu-post soon..too busy and too lazt these days 😉 -Nimmy

  8. Marriage is an emotional physical bond between two opposite gender socially accepted by the society.
    It is also about social bonding between families & friends.
    Divorce is a permanent break between two opposite gender socially accepted by the society.
    It is also a permanent break between families & friends i.e., why it is a tough decision to divorce.
    In the end they say – Marriages are made in heaven.
    Anyway, I am single.
    : )

  9. I disagree with you about hanging on for the sake of children in an unhappy marriage. It is not only physical abuse that affects children. Constant bickering and sharp words and the stifling atmosphere affect them adversely. I believe you are better off out of a bad marriage in spite of all the practical difficulties the woman has to face. It all boils down to which difficulties the woman is willing to face.
    BTW I am a happily married woman too ( for 26 going on 27 years)


    I understand..To each its own..Maybe even i will change my thoughts when i am in such a situation..Never know..Thanks for voicing your opinion. -Nimmy

  10. I think the only reason one would stay in a loveless marriage would be because someone like me would be terrified of fighting a child custody battle minor or otherwise. Traumatic. Waiting for some bloody judge to make a decision would break me way more than a loveless or a compromised marriage.

    True..Maybe unmarried people has hard time understanding this..Thanks for visiting Sunitha..Do come again -Nimmy

  11. I think its all very individual. What transpires between a couple is something which no one can understand except them. Also, some people have lower tolerance than others. Loveless marriages for the sake of children are not very uncommon but it definitely leave a very negative effect on the children. They grow up in a very loveless environment.
    Loved the post!

    So true Amit..To each its own.An outside person may never understand what is it that makes two people go together..They have reasons,said or unsaid, in which they find happiness .Yeah,I agree with you..Majority of bad marriages don’t end in divorce due to the kid-factor..Of course children maybe affected,but if the relationship between wife and husband is going on a neutral level rather than aligned to either sides of love or hate,I belive that they should hang on and move on for the sake of kids..I may not be right or maybe i will chnage my opinion later in life.But this is what i feel right as of now 🙂 Thanks for coming -Nimmy

  12. :)..had visited earlier too…..today and tried adding your link…but my comp hung(or whatever they call it…:D..)

    yes,this is something that I feel very strongly about…I am not married,have not even seen an unhappy marriage from up close..and yet I do know what’s what…….gestures,little silences say so much about a relationship don’t they?like I commented somewhere today(though in a diff context) one doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to know that alcohol is bad does one?

    I come froma very loving family, a family where feminism was never taught because it was what we lived.everyday……

    and yet I am mentally prepared to stand on my own even if a few years down the line my marriage fails/or my husband is abusive verbally or physically…

    I know my parents and brothers will always support me..but I have prepared myself to face anything alone..(even though mom gets upset when I say this thinking that I dont have faith in my family)But this is the reality what if something happens I dont have support?will I stay in such a marriage?so I am all prepared and all…

    btw this definitely does not mean I am cynical..just realistic and on the contrary an eternal optimist..:)
    —————-

    4/2/09 ..I am sorry,i just realized that i forgot to rpely to your comment..”I am really sorry,maybe be i left it to answer later.. I hope you don’t feel bad-Nimmy

  13. nice one…Made me think and worry too:) Am married for last 6 months and happy, but I have a fren who is undergoing a divorce and I can see whats she is going through each day. Am going to link this post to her. Take care and keep writing!

    • megs
    • September 21st, 2009

    Really liked your post Nimmy, I am goin through a divorce coz i married in haste , divorce is no doubt very painful but you gotto think of your life ahead and decide for urself..

  14. Nimmy, I know what you mean… You dont have to go through rape to know it is bad… I mean, come on!! But, the sad part is people think every post and every emotion has to reflect you… which is such a wrong way of looking at things…

  1. January 5th, 2009
  2. March 21st, 2009

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